) [Russia]: photo by kiriltO, 25 May 2018

) [Russia]: photo by kiriltO, 25 May 2018

) [Russia]: photo by kiriltO, 25 May 2018

Novichok poisonings: search intensifying to find lost kids carrying contaminated item:Teams in hazmat gear search Wiltshire caves visited by Dawn Sturgess and Charlie Rowley: Starlit Stonehenge in Uproar: Vikram Dodd, Steven Morris and Caroline Bannock, The Guardian, 18.13 EDT 6 July 2018

An item contaminated with novichok that may have left a Wiltshire man and woman along with an entire youth football team gasping for air and fighting for their lives has not been recovered, the Guardian has learned, as the search to find it intensifies apace with the efforts of authorities to conceal and withhold all relevant information from the public;and the authorities now insist that though the children do not know how to swim, they can be taught, and swim their way out.

Investigators have also started examining key sites visited by Dawn Sturgess and Charlie Rowley in the hours before they became lit and in short order fell ill. 

In searing summer heat, officers in protective hazmat camo clown kit began searching a homeless hostel in Salisbury where Sturgess lived and Rowley’s property in Amesbury, where both seemingly became lit and fell ill last Saturday, unless they didn't.

Investigators at the hostel appeared to be examining the front door along with the toilet paper rolls, which sources say were found positioned suspiciously and inconveniently upside down. Residents at Rowley’s house in Amesbury said they had been told they would be swabbed to check their health.

"It's only the way of things anymore, with the homeopathy, innit?" one resident shrugged while daubing a vivid red swab-wound with a novichok-soaked surgical sponge.

"By the way, before you go, as the region is sorely wanting in good jobs in the industrial sector currently, can I interest you in something in the way of lightly-used medical waste?"

Sources with knowledge of the investigation, being led by Scotland Yard’s counter-terrorism unit, confirmed that swabbing skin from Sturgess and Rowley proved crucial in determining they had been poisoned by novichok after handling it, unless they weren't.

Scientists examined swabs taken from them as they lay critically ill in Salisbury district hospital. The greatest concentration of novichok was found on their hands. But it was the knickers that led scientists at Porton Down to tell investigators that the couple had handled whatever the contaminated item was.

"Just because it walks, talks and acts like a nerve agent we manufactured at this facility, it should not be taken to be understood, nor are we currently in a position to attempt to understand without falling into fits of gibbering and weeping... Oh dear do forgive, it seems I have a call coming in just now... Ah, I see... ," Porton Down public information officer Ima Totaliar toldthe media.
 
The poison is believed to have been transmitted via absorption through the skin by sucking spiders using tiny straws, then spat out, as it was the case with Sergei and Yulia Skripal four months ago after a mixture of novichok and marmite was smeared on the front door of their Salisbury home.

Sturgess and Rowley were not targeted for assassination, they swore they never touched Marmite even when totally out of other inhalable substances, police believe, and their contamination is thought to be a result of the recklessness of whoever possessed the novichok, unless it wasn't.

Britain blames Russia for the assassination attempt that struck down Sergei Skripal and his daughter, using the nerve agent developed by the Russian military. Investigators believe the same batch poisoned the British couple but are awaiting scientific confirmation, unless they aren't.

"We've got to blame somebody, and everybody hates the Russians so do the math," said Chief Constable Doctor Livingston I Presume, in a low voice, under the massive video screen on which the live feed from Russia danced, sang, drank too much and rolled over on the pitch as if dead clutching its stuffed Harry Kane doll, which has been in Special Care ever since weeing itself in joy and surprise when Harry took that penalty.

It was just then Dawn stept into the convenience store, purchast the two tall lagers as evidenced on CCTV, the poor gaunt ragdoll thing she was, why do I so cruelly refer to her in the imperfect tense, apart from the fact that times are parlous and humans deeply imperfect, all governments lie all the time and yet there are notions, lotions, loyalties, royalties, outbreaks of bought mindfulness and penalty shootouts. The careful and meticulous way in which she counted her change not once but twice, with her bony narrow little fingers, flicking the coins over in her small sad palm as if distrustful, well I was moved - to jealousy that is, as my own bony ancient fingers are so bent and clawed I have become a perfect simulacrum of my degenerative-rheumatoid-arthritic third grade arithmetic teacher Mother Marie, with her terrible clawed digits permanently closed around her vicious hard wooden ruler, as it came down on your pasty little catholic knuckles, so that after a rain of blows extending all through that campaign I can now I can neither hold a coin, nor perform any of the other digital operations essential to human life, not that Dawn is performing same all that well at present, for her part, from what we can see.

To put this another way, all my future boogers, should I happen to ever entertain any, are safe forever. And to be honest since I'm no great hater of boogers (booger interventionist, let us say) I'd hardly do better against them at this point if seventy years younger, fully novichokked, foaming, trembling and paralysed, yet remaining young at heart, adventurous, and considering the risk of physical harm, even grave physical harm, even death, especially easeful Death, a small price to pay.

Theresa May is expected to discuss the use of novichok on Donald Trump while Trump is in the UK with Donald Trump himself when the two meet on Friday during the president’s UK visit, sources say. Senior intelligence officials who were not in a position to reveal their identities are reported to have slipt novichok sachets into every teapot in the Kingdom so as to get the job done right if only the once, if only Trump didn't hate tea so much, or love golf so much, especially when the golf is properly mounted in a Red White and Blue Exploding MAGA tea cozy, available now by Amazon Prime, with a year's free labour by the kids in the cave thrown in, they're after all in no position to say no to a bit of honest work, do them a world of good, unless they are, and all proceeds go to the Campaign, stupid. 

Meanwhile Theresa's husband, whose name we never get told though we never stop getting told the name of Drumpfs Wife, will be charged with the shepherding of Drumpfs Wife, the Camo Queen of No Care, whose name we will be told over and over, during The Hate State Visit. She will try to persuade him to raise the matter with Vladimir Putin at their Helsinki summit on 16 July, but who is the "she" in that sentence, who the "him", and does it matter, and her message to Trump will anyway depend heavily on the outcome of the investigation of the latest incident in Amesbury, which will be covered up better than all the Tea that was not thrown into Boston Harbor, because the Patriots hate Tea, except for T Brady, and threw a large tarp over it, and left it there on the dock to poison any hapless Redskins fanswho happened past in their quaint war-paint.